I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
please don't ironically join a cult
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