i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
