I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
