I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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