Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
