Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
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