I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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