So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
