did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
He has the fingertips of a God
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