I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
