Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
