I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
