I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
