just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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