I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
this hospital has no fireball
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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