Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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