Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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