Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
