How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
The air was thick with penises
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Randomize
