How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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