Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
