youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
