we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
