y did u give ur computer a hand job?
look no pants
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
