I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
