She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
