my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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