God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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