I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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