mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
