I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
