She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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