My liver just broke up with me...
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
