I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
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He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
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What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.