Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
It's just like the Real World with babies
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..