Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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