so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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