HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
