He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
These tits shall not be calmed
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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