nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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