Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
