I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
