Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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