Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
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you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
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I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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