May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
