I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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