How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
