.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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