pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
