You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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