i don't like sucking hair
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
