Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
