I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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