1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
