billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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