he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
