I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
