please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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