so that wasnt chicken after all
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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