I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
